.....how much strength does it really take??

I am so sorry for starting another blog being sad. I swear we've been really great and super positive the last few weeks. But Zen and I were given some information in passing yesterday as a slight concern over some blood results of Hunter's that had come back. It wasn't THAT big of a worry.........but, just something that the doctors found that they were looking at more closely. Well.........one day and (4) 104 degree fevers later.......it's becoming a HUGE concern.

I continue to be amazed at how much pain we have to constantly endure. It just keeps getting more and more intense. Every time we feel as if we are getting closer to the end - some other terrifying virus, or fungus moves on in and starts messing with our already fragile world.

So that's the better of the two options of what could be causing Hunter's fevers - a virus or a fungus.

The other is the Leukemia coming back at full force starting to take over Hunter's body for the THIRD time.

The doctors will let us know the results sometime in the next 12-24 hours.

Nothing like waiting.

His spirits definitely seemed lower today and he's not eating much. His appetite has been really wonderful the last few days.....so to see a switch now is a little puzzling. He's not wanting to get down and run and he's being very clingy. He's never clingy unless he really doesn't fell well or something is bothering him.



I can't say I've ever felt this sad or this worried or this sick in my entire life. I've had some good crys..........but today, it was as if my whole body was pouring out of my eyes and it just wouldn't stop. My mind is seriously tangled.

Is this when the fight or flight instinct kicks in? Because we've been fighting and fighting and f 'in fighting and I feel as if we keep getting these unfair blows that Hunter doesn't deserve. And no matter how hard we fight...........it's ultimately not in our hands. Sometimes I feel as if we're just swingin' at ghosts and there's no way to hit them........and I'm starting to get really angry.

It's such a horrifying fear when your child's life is put on the line - again and again and again.......and again. It puts me into full on panic mode and it's a HUGE effort to consistently stay calm and figure out how to handle the day after day news that is increasingly becoming more and more traumatic.

That's my baby. I have never loved something so wholeheartedly in my entire life. He's my love.

I know that there are positive outcomes and that people survive AML Leukemia. I get more and more emails and messages everyday on how there is ONE more survivor out there that was in Hunter's position at some time or another......and fought like hell and is now living and breathing and enjoying the rays of sunshine that everyone's meant to enjoy.

So seriously............c'mon.

Hunter's had 8 rounds of chemo and should be getting ready to receive one more with the addition of radiation and gracefully move on to his Bone Marrow Transplant. That's enough. He shouldn't have to suffer an ADDITIONAL round of chemo or MORE antibiotics or MORE antifungals or whatever the hell is going on in his body right now. We've put in our time and we'd like to go home now. Thanks for playing.

I'm truly screaming right now at the top of my lungs.

We will fight for as long as we need to fight.

We will survive the best way we know how...............

And we will continue to let Hunter know that he's a champion like no other. He's brought us to our knees and we applaud him and his spirit and his amazing desire to live.