Rainy Days of Sunshine

Hunter’s death is killing me.

The extremely painful and heartfelt emotions that have overtaken my body are beyond human tolerance. These last 3 weeks have been pretty unbearable and quite surreal and I’m so, so devastated, and just can’t seem to find any peace yet in our tragic ending. I hate it. I hate that he’s gone. I hate that I can’t touch his soft skin and smother him with love and sunshine all day long. I have all this love that used to go to Hunter and now it’s just building up in my body causing an immeasurable amount of pain because he’s not here to give it to…………he’s so far away from me. I feel like he’s out there all alone………wondering where mom and dad are. Wondering why we are not by is side, right next to him – where we’ve always been. Wondering why he’s been taken from us, when he did nothing wrong, in fact he did everything right. We’re supposed to be together, living this life out the way we had all imagined. We were supposed to be rewarded for all of our hard work and dedication. That’s how it works. You give it your all, play from your heart, fight with everything you’ve got…….and you accomplish great things. Our victory has been brutally taken from us and we are laying here defeated with our mouths agape……….wondering why this happened to us. Wondering why this happened to Hunter. Life used to be a little easier. And granted we were dealt a tough hand………but we were making it. We had Hunter, we had him with us, we were keeping him alive……….and that’s truly ALL that mattered. That’s all we cared about. Life, all of a sudden, has become overwhelmingly sad and extremely more difficult to live.

Hunter’s love was truly magnificent. I crave it every morning I open my eyes. I lay in our bed for what seems like hours just hoping and wishing he was still there laying next to us. We absolutely adored him. He was a true delight in every sense of the word and his vibrant energy is so terribly missed. Our house is sad and lonely and his presence, strangely enough, is felt everywhere…….yet he’s no where to be found. He’s unreachable. He’s only been gone three weeks and I feel as if it’s been a lifetime since I’ve held him and giggled with him and cuddled with him, sharing sweet and precious moments; moments that have now been stopped dead in their tracks.

This is one of my favorite videos of Hunter. He was so full of life this day. It was my birthday and he was just so tickled to help me blow out the candles. We did it over and over and over. I can't watch this video yet without getting extremely sad and angry for what we've lost. He's our sweet baby love and deserved a much better life than the one he was given.

More loving memories

Below are a couple of shots of Hunter's last amazing day. We were certain that he was healing because he was just so happy and active and enjoyed his day at the beach so very much. He struck a fever the day we got home and we were admitted into the hospital and 2 days later.......we were told that his cancer had returned for the fourth and final time. Complete shock and devastation. Just didn't seem possible.

I feel as if my whole being right now is made up of glass and at any moment, with the right dreadful combination of thoughts, I could shatter into a million pieces and I won’t have the strength or desire to put myself back together. I won’t even know where all the pieces go since my heart and mind are so tangled and torn up inside. I feel as if I am constantly running from the memories of Hunter’s last three days alive because they are so painful to remember as a mother and every time I think of them – a terrible, terrible heartache and sadness take over my whole body and I start to drown in my deepest, darkest fears. Fears that are now my reality. Because of this, I can’t be left alone too long with my own thoughts. They take me over and get a pretty powerful grasp on me………one that only Zen has been able to pull me out of.

I remember thinking and feeling and hoping that truly someday – everything was going to be alright. Now I know for sure that all of our days ahead will never truly be “alright”. We will never be “completely” happy knowing what was taken from us, knowing what we are missing out on……….knowing what Hunter went through just to be granted the chance to live. And then death comes along and just rips his life right out of our hands as if all of our efforts were for nothing.

I just can’t believe that this in now the life we’ve been left to live.

This video rips my heart out. It's Hunter's last video, Hunter's last words and Hunter's last wiggle. This is the day he died. When we woke that morning, he was basically suffocating and was unable to breath on his own. The leukemia had invaded his lungs and was taking over his entire body. We immediately hooked him up to his oxygen mask and pleaded for him to hang on. The doctors told us, based on his breathing pattern and the fact that he wasn't responding to anything, that his last breaths could possibly be sooner than later. We talked to him for hours as we held him close and tight in our arms, begging for him not to go, even though we knew it was clearly time. All of a sudden he woke and gave us his one last wiggle and one last smile. We got to hear his sweet voice say mom and dad one last time, he showed us his cars, asked for some juice and his cozy blanket.............and then he went to sleep.......and never woke up.

HUNTER'S LAST VIDEO

Hunter’s cancer actually showed it’s face in my dream the other night. It’s the first time it’s made an appearance and the first time I was actually able to recognize it. I’ve seen shadows of it before……but never it’s face. I was terrified. It was creeping around a crowded room……unexpected and uninvited. Possibly looking for me to wickedly laugh in my face, possibly looking for me to just let me know we’ve lost and to boast it’s victory. Possibly looking for me to let me know that once it gets it’s hands on something……….it’s not letting go until it gets it. My dreams are usually very vivid and real and I always wake up remembering them. I use to think that was a good thing when my dreams used to be joyful. However, I could have done without that one and the many others that now seem to haunt my nights. In my dreams now, Hunter is always dead or passing and I am unable do anything except sit there and hopelessly and helplessly watch it…………...not strong enough to kill what’s attacking him. Not powerful enough to take it down to it’s knees. Not ferocious enough to let it know that what’s mine is mine and I will guard it with my life. But unfortunately, in this terrible dream, my hands went numb, my legs went limp and I was unable to move……….paralyzed with fear, knowing it’s going to take and take and take from me what is not rightfully his.

I am looking forward to when dreams like this stop. It’s tough enough to deal with what I have to deal with when my eyes are open. Please let me get some sort of peaceful rest when my eyes are shut. I’m exhausted and feel as if I haven’t slept for the last 2 ½ years. I want the nightmares to go away. I want to see Hunter in my dreams alive and well………happy, smiling, giggling………enjoying the life he was supposed to live. That’s all I have left now……are my dreams.

The pendant I now wear every day I wake. It's got a little piece of Hunter's soul and an over abundance of love from the bond the 3 of us created. I wear it close to my heart

and will forever keep him with me.

Zen and I are in constant pain and some days just seem like a thick and murky fog. Even when the sun is shining……it feels like it’s raining. And on days when it seems like we are not crying on the outside……we are crying on the inside. It’s a mental battle like one we’ve never fought. Some days we feel like we are winning……..other days we are clearly losing.

So here we are again – having to rise above yet another challenge that’s basically been harshly thrown in our face…….unwanted, undeserving……and now having to combat it with one less warrior. It’s amazing how deep we have to continue to dig just to survive in this life. It looks as if our true colors are going to have to shine again, and Zen and I will, once again, see what we are made of.

I guess this is where Hunter will deliver us strength and courage and determination. I guess this is where we look adversity in the face with a smile and let it know we won’t go down easy, just as Hunter did. I guess this is where we do our best to survive……..the only way we know how. ….with love and compassion and an understanding that life has dealt us a blow beyond belief…….a brutal and horrific blow which will beat us down and last our entire life. We’ve now been burdened with the sadness of grief. We’ve now been burdened with the sadness of losing our only child. We’ve now been burdened with a lost love………that can never ever, ever be replaced or forgotten. And now we have to survive. We not only have to find a way to live without Hunter, but we have to find a way to live WITH Hunter. We have to find a way to live with his memories and his laughter and the joy he brought us. We have to find a way to cherish his being in a very positive and productive manner, even though what happened to him is so terribly tragic and will deliver a forever sadness that we’ll never be able to shake. We have to lock up those memories of his last 3 days and not ignore them, but only access them when we feel the strength and power to do so. We can’t allow those 3 days to consume all of our precious memories. Amazing memories that we'll hold close in our hearts and minds every waking moment.

A wonderful photo montage created by a dear friend.

Zen and I are closer now then we’ve ever been. He’s truly my best and most cherished friend. Our love has only gotten deeper and now exists on so many more levels. The intensity I feel when he embraces me is sometimes overpowering. I truly feel Hunter between us and it’s when I feel his presence the strongest. His brilliant smile and effervescent energy lit up our life and that’s what we are allowing to carry us through our darkest days. We created Hunter and we are now living this life walking the same path…..without him, with him, loving him, embracing him, cherishing him and remembering him for the wondrous soul he was.

We will continue to carry on Hunter’s legacy. We will continue to place his footprints on the hearts of all who hear about him. We will continue to change the lives of many more people walking this earth who weren’t quite sure what life and love are all about. He’s changed the lives of many. He’s made people better parents. He’s opened up the doors of love to so many children. He’s made people appreciate and embrace being alive.

We are now 5 months pregnant with our next son and are torn between anxiously awaiting his arrival and making sure enough time passes for us to truly have laid Hunter to rest. We’ll think of him every day for the rest of our existence. It would be impossible not to. He’s our inspiration, he’s our love, he’s our brightest star that is now shining on us every moment he’s in our thoughts. Our weakness and vulnerability will soon turn into strength. Our sadness and heartache will soon turn into courage and our pain and suffering will soon turn into the utmost determination to continue to live our life to the fullest, realizing how truly blessed we were to have Hunter in our life. He’s taught us and several others how to love stronger, love deeper and love with every ounce of your soul. It delivers an unimaginable beauty that will enhance us for the rest of our lives.

One of my favorite Dr. Seuss quotes that was posted recently,

”Don’t be sad it’s over, be happy that it happened”.

A beautiful video tribute created by another amazing friend