Our lil' Birthday Boy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my sweet lil' prince pie - our love for you runs so incredibly deep. Your dad and I are holding on to as many memories as possible and there will always, ALWAYS be a special place in our life for you. I won't let you go. I won't ever, ever, ever let you go. As painful as it is to accept the fact that you are not here for us to smooch from head to toe......we thank our lucky stars that you graced us with your amazing presence and taught us how to live; even when we thought every last bit of our being had given in. You kept us laughing; even when our smiles seemed lost and forgotten. And you've fully shown us how to love.....even though we've been left with a broken heart.

You were so easy to love........sweet dreams baby.

........................................................

Hi my sweet lil' love..........i miss you.....i miss you......I miss you.........I miss you....so incredibly much. I am going to do my best to be strong and keep it together as I write you - but already, my face has an ocean of tears just streaming down it, collecting big, big puddles in my lap. The thought of actually seeing you and talking to you and holding you, oh goodness, it would be an absolute dream come true for me.

oh love.....I am still so incredibly devastated. I can't even think right now. My hands are shaking, my tears won't stop, my breath is gone. You not being here has shattered us. You were magical. Truly, truly magical and that just stops your dad and I dead in our tracks some days.

You have brought out such beauty in so many people - myself, your father and your lil' brother, Ryder, included. That magnificent sparkle that was so extremely bright while you where here - is still shining ever so lovely. I feel it within myself, and it's expressed in the love your dad and I have for each other, and the love that we have for Ryder. Ryder is the magnificent recipient of so much love and affection......and he just BEAMS every single day because of what your dad and I discovered in ourselves through you. You've created this love pocket in us that is just absolutely explosive. You still continue to bring out the best in us........that just warms my heart.

You would have been the most perfect older brother. Oh man - I could only IMAGINE how completely wonderful it would be if you were here. Ryder would have LOVED you. Absolutely, most definitely LOVED you. You would have been the coolest thing since sliced bread. You would have been so, so fun for him to follow around and tug on and watch and learn from.....so cool...so carefree....so courageous and loving. I honestly can't wait for the day when Ryder fully understands who you are and how important you are to the family. He's only 13 months right now.....so he's got a few months. He gets some things right now like "going outside" and "snack".....but not quite everything just yet. But soon. Soon, he'll get the full story of our lil' hero - Iron Hunter and how truly magnificent your lil' being really was....and still is. :)

Here's Ryder trying on your Lightning McQueen hat and shoes. He clopped around the house in those for quite awhile....he's a big fan.

Here he is wearing your Iron Hunter t-shirt. We all sport those QUITE often. They are super, super cozy and I'm just so proud of what is says........you were a real "Super Hero"......I love that.

You two look a lot alike - you can definitely tell you're brothers. Here is a collage that I put together of the two of you at 8 1/2 months.

Ryder loves, loves.....LOVES music. He's got a pretty fancy wiggle and also threw down some hip lil' side steps recently. Very surprised he pulled some of those moves out. You must have done a lil' work on him somehow. He's pretty cool. Plus he's a sweetie pie......you two together would have just taken turns melting my heart.

You both also have a very strong, cool confidence about you. So fun to watch and hang out with you guys. Always seem to have something going on.

Watching Ryder grow is reminding us of so many incredible moments we had with you. It's fun to compare and see the similarities as well as the differences. And thank goodness we have as many videos of you as we do! We feel so completely fortunate to have that many. Your personality just JUMPS right off the screen in every one and I just love, love, love watching you. They allow me to fully remember your giggle and your sweet, sweet ways of expressing yourself and all the fun we really did have.......despite all of our challenges. I don't think there was a day that went by that we didn't find something to giggle about........

People from all over the world still continue to find your story and send us messages. They all begin with such wonderful comments about you and your beautiful energy and strength and courage. They talk about how many times throughout their day that they think of you, and how much you've inspired them. Of course they talk about what a great lil' dancer you were.....such FANTASTIC moves. I could beat music on pots and pans for you all day long. Oh you just stole my heart. I miss your hugs. Oh how I miss your hugs baby love.

A year and a half now that you've been gone and I still sleep with "Henwy" under my pillow....I still have a candle constantly lit for you......makes me feel like there is a happy, lil' spot of love-light continuing to just brighten up the room. I am never without my Hunter necklace.....it still gets smooched every night when I take it off and every morning when I put it on. There are beautiful images up of you pretty much everywhere - living room, family room, kitchen, dining room, our room, Ryder's room, my office, my closet.......and there isn't a second that passes that I don't consider ourselves lucky to have had such an amazing lil' boy in our lives.

Your Angel Anniversary was a very special day for us. Your dad and I took Ryder and we went back to our special lil' spot right next to the room we stayed in with you at Cannon Beach. We've been back there a few times now....it's a pretty amazing spot for us. As soon as my feet hit the sand I feel you......I will never, ever, ever forget that day on the beach. A day filled with such hope and love and happiness.........I enjoy remembering days and moments like the ones we had on that special day. That whole trip was amazing.

Here you are walking in the sand........oh we had so much fun that day. You were walking around everywhere and I was getting such a kick out of finally having to chase you around! You gave me a run for my money that day. :)

Here we are below on your Angel Anniversary, a little over a year later.....walking in the sand......just like you. Even Ryder was doing it in Dad's Kangaroo pouch.

And of course "Henwy" had to get in the sand. Even when we travel he comes and sleeps under my pillow. He likes it there. I'm still waiting for you to come get him in my dreams. :)

OH and I can't forget to tell you that we also saw this BEAUTIFUL rainbow right as we hit the clearing to the water. Stunning.....in was so, so cool love.

Geeeez.......and one more thing - we did our first Healing Hunter Foundation Toy Drive on your Angel Anniversary and brought up over $5,000 worth of toys to the kids at Doernbechers, including an iPod Touch, a super fast big wheel, two laptop computers and OF COURSE - a kick-BUTT Lightning McQueen Tricycle that's got your name on it so everyone knows to speed around the hallways with lots of Lightning love.

So your foundation that we started on your behalf has been just absolutely wonderful. Aside from the toy drive we did on your Angel Anniversary we also stopped by on Easter and delivered tons of delicious goodies and yummy cupcakes - which is what initiated the whole start of "Lightning Cupcakes"......also in your honor of course. With all the love and support out there for you......it just TOOK OFF! And a lil' bit of Hunter love goes into every cupcake. So now you are in my heart, my thoughts, my smiles and my tummy often. I see your beautiful face constantly throughout my days and most times it makes me think super sweet thoughts. I try my hardest to think of you at your very best, having just the coolest time of your life.....I'm glad you had so many. It gives me lots of things to pull from. Man you were cool.

Below is the Easter Delivery to Doernbechers on behalf of the Healing Hunter Foundation!



Oh and I almost forgot to tell you the COOLEST thing! You'll really like this.......we are delivering iPods to all the lil' warriors battling cancer up at Doernbechers on your birthday for the Healing Hunter iPod Birthday Bash that we created. We thought you'd get a kick out of giving such thoughtful, useful and amazing gifts that the kiddos can use while they are going through all their treatments. Several extremely generous and very loving individuals donated one to each kid fighting cancer in your honor. Pretty neat I'll have to say. You bring sweetness to the surface in lots and lots of people. Still continuing to make me proud. Aaaaahhhhh.......

Below are the iPods that were donated and then the AWESOME packaging we created for them!!

......................................

Life seems to be one brilliant, sequence of events after another my lil’ love. And the time we had with you was nothing short of spectacular. 

This magical, whirlwind of love that seems to corral around you and your legacy is just simply amazing. I’m sitting here in a sweet, puddle of tears as I realize the size of the impact you’ve had on our life and so many others.

Your dazzling light, your love, your spirit…your joy, your giggle and your dynamite wiggle

continue to get delightfully, packaged up and delivered to the warriors that are still here fighting.

Our special lil’ packages that we deliver are always bursting with hope and smiles and lets these brave kiddos know that we are all standing behind them…supporting them, encouraging them and constantly cheering them on.

Thank you for continuing to be such a powerful force of love.

You are my Superhero.

Keep us strong, sugar pie.

LOVE you Bean!!!! XXOO

#HunterLove

#LiveToLove

#HealingHunterFoundation

#DoernbecherChildrensHospital

#RandallChildrensHospital

Sunlit Memories.....Hunter's Tribute

Zen and I share lots of laughs together. Laughter is a huge part of our lives, and without it, our world right now would be a much, much darker place. Almost like a silent hell. But I will have to say - that as much as we laugh..........we also cry. And cry hard and for long periods of time. Right now there seems to be a tolerable balance - but we are hoping for and will happily welcome the days when the crying is less and the laughter is more.

As our days continue without Hunter.....so many memories enter into and out of our minds - constantly. He's all we think about, still, and we are trying to desperately sort through these memories to figure out which ones bring us peace and which ones bring us an overwhelming sadness. However, in the end, it seems as if all of them still bring us to our never ending flow of tears.

Hunter's Memorial Celebrarion was full of these tears, but it was also full of an immeasurable amount of love, everlasting hope, and an abundance of inspiration. Arms were wrapped so tightly around us that day and the friendships and bonds that were shared brings the tiniest bit of light into Hunter's sad departure. The last thing we ever wanted to do is say goodbye to our lil' love. So you can imagine the pain and the extremely intense feelings that were all brought to the surface in an attempt to release our sweet, precious, baby boy out of our arms and into the sky.

This was the opening performance at Hunter's Tribute. Ava's voice is truly phenomenal and she set the tone for a lovely and extremely heartfelt celebration.

Ava Gaudet & Lucy Graves - This Woman's Work

The following are Hunter's video slideshows that played during his celebration. This gives everyone a sense of how sweet and loving and endearing our amazing child was. He throws down wonderful belly giggles, insanely talented dance moves and a special love and kindness that is so terribly missed. We miss his winks, we miss him blowing us kisses, we miss his sweet smiles......we miss everything.......and always will.

Zen and I both had some words to share......but believe me......it was extremely difficult. It was almost as if once we said our goodbye - it became final. We got up on the platform, hand in hand, and thank goodness for that - because just knowing Zen was right behind me to catch me if I were to fall, gave me much comfort and handfuls of strength and courage. We are sincerely committed and forever devoted to each others healing - knowing what a long journey we have before us. To share the life that we've both now lived has bonded us together immensely, and in my heart, I know we will never part.

Here are the few words that I managed to express......saying sweet dreams to my lil' love was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I have been trying to put this horrible emptiness into words and I'm failing terribly to come up with the right way to express the gut wrenching pain and intense feelings of loneliness and mental anguish that Zen and I are experiencing. I feel as if we've been violently thrown off a mountain top and we continue to fall without ever hitting the ground. So the sick and frightened and soul battering feeling in our hearts and in our stomachs just sits there all day long as we continue to fall further into the depths of our sorrow...........and we are assuming and have rightfully been told that this feeling never goes away........it just slightly dulls from time to time.

We've lost our child. We've lost the bright and beautiful sunshine in our lives, the never ending happiness in our smiles, and the irreplaceable joy in our days. We are still stunned and still in disbelief that this was Hunter's ending. So very hard to comprehend.

Here is Zen's beautiful tribute to Hunter while also giving thanks to all those that have experienced our journey and cheered us on and encouraged us along the way. The road we've been walking the last 2 1/2 years is one we haven't wanted to walk alone.........and we are forever grateful for all those that have endured this heartbreaking time in our lives and have held on to us for dear life.

This is the photo slideshow that continually played at Hunter's Memorial Celebration. His face still continues to shine a light every time it hits the screen. (If the slideshow has already stopped playing by the time you make it down to this link, just refresh your screen and hit the "play" button at the bottom of the image if it doesn't start automatically).

Here is a slideshow of Hunter's Memorial Celebration. The entire day was filled with amazing amounts of love and an overwhelming amount of compassion.

Not to mention the cake Rocked the house!

This is the video of Hunter's Balloon Release. We thought he'd appreciate Lightening McQueen and Mater coming up for a visit.

We sent them off with lots of smooches and buckets of love and warmth to sprinkle over him once they arrived.

So our tribute to Hunter was, sincerely, a stellar day. It was truly unforgettable and will be held in the hearts of many as a wonderful and extremely well deserved celebration. The sun was shining and the tears were abundant, but the laughter and the love and the forever appreciation of his life, rose above all else.

Like I said in my speech, Hunter will go down in the books as a wonderful, wonderful tragedy. He lives on and will continue to light the flames in our courageous spirits, our magnificent and brave attitudes, our fearless approaches to life and adversity and in our warm and loving souls. As his parents, we couldn't be more proud of what he accomplished, the love and affection that he expressed, the laughter that he shared and the never ending flow of happiness that will continue to embrace us until the day we die.

"Rest in peace baby love. We will forever cherish you. You are truly a treasure and we will carry your beautiful spirit with us everywhere we go".

A few speeches from some of our amazing friends that have stood by our side every moment of every day.....laughing, crying, sharing and lovingly supporting.







Many, many thanks to all of the lovely guests that attended Hunter's celebration who graced us with their presence and showered us with love. Your kind words, generous feelings and heartfelt emotions that you shared with us got us through our day and will forever continue to do so.........thank you for following our journey and holding us so near and dear to your hearts. We truly feel the love.......all around us......always.

Many thanks to Hunter's sponsors that hugged us to no end, including Paul Stanley from KISS, Chaz Dean, Aldabella Scarpa, Topo Ranch Clothing and many others.

All of the wonderful donated services:

A huge and loving "thank you" to Wendy of Wendy Parker Events who coordinated an amazing event. Hunter's celebration was truly memorable and will rest so sweetly in our hearts for the rest of our lives.

Another very full of love "thank you" to Allyson and the entire Bob Gail Special Events family. They were essential in making the event as beautiful as it was.

A very loving and appreciative "thank you" to Marc and Diana Brown for opening up their beautiful home and hosting Hunter's celebration.

HUGE "kudos" to Dorie, our FANTASTIC cake lady. The cake was just absolutely PERFECT and sooooooo delicious. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

Sincere appreciation and love to AJ from Argentum Photo Lab. He printed and mounted all of Hunter's images that were on display. His smile and enthusiasm for life was felt in every room.

A very heartfelt "thank you" to Tom Galassi for photographing and capturing the event so wonderfully. We love you and your beautiful family dearly. Thank you for everything you've done for us and for every single smile you guys delivered to Hunter's face. He loved that train table and played with that til the very end.....such a wonderful and special gift.

Buckets of love and appreciation to Chaz Dean who arranged for the Della Reese UP Choir to perform. Wow. Truly stunning. Thank you so much for such a lovely performance.

Lots and lots and LOTS of love to Daphne for the delicious food from The Point, Erin for the"Hunter" Balms, which are ALWAYS a huge hit, Jodi for the teas, Alicia for the sodas, Maury for the yummy wine and Ric for the beautiful sounds of music you played.....I could have listened to you all day......it was lovely.

And lastly, thank you to our families. Thank you for your love, your compassion, your kindness, your generosity and for standing by our sides for the last 2 1/2 years. You are all so very important to us and to Hunter and you helped us in so many ways. A forever "thank you" full of such love and devotion from us to you.

Hunter Giggling Videos and Slideshows

Hunter Video - Giggling and Dancing - Part 1 - Click to Play

Hunter Video - Giggling and Dancing - Part 2 - Click to Play

Slideshows

Rainy Days of Sunshine

Hunter’s death is killing me.

The extremely painful and heartfelt emotions that have overtaken my body are beyond human tolerance. These last 3 weeks have been pretty unbearable and quite surreal and I’m so, so devastated, and just can’t seem to find any peace yet in our tragic ending. I hate it. I hate that he’s gone. I hate that I can’t touch his soft skin and smother him with love and sunshine all day long. I have all this love that used to go to Hunter and now it’s just building up in my body causing an immeasurable amount of pain because he’s not here to give it to…………he’s so far away from me. I feel like he’s out there all alone………wondering where mom and dad are. Wondering why we are not by is side, right next to him – where we’ve always been. Wondering why he’s been taken from us, when he did nothing wrong, in fact he did everything right. We’re supposed to be together, living this life out the way we had all imagined. We were supposed to be rewarded for all of our hard work and dedication. That’s how it works. You give it your all, play from your heart, fight with everything you’ve got…….and you accomplish great things. Our victory has been brutally taken from us and we are laying here defeated with our mouths agape……….wondering why this happened to us. Wondering why this happened to Hunter. Life used to be a little easier. And granted we were dealt a tough hand………but we were making it. We had Hunter, we had him with us, we were keeping him alive……….and that’s truly ALL that mattered. That’s all we cared about. Life, all of a sudden, has become overwhelmingly sad and extremely more difficult to live.

Hunter’s love was truly magnificent. I crave it every morning I open my eyes. I lay in our bed for what seems like hours just hoping and wishing he was still there laying next to us. We absolutely adored him. He was a true delight in every sense of the word and his vibrant energy is so terribly missed. Our house is sad and lonely and his presence, strangely enough, is felt everywhere…….yet he’s no where to be found. He’s unreachable. He’s only been gone three weeks and I feel as if it’s been a lifetime since I’ve held him and giggled with him and cuddled with him, sharing sweet and precious moments; moments that have now been stopped dead in their tracks.

This is one of my favorite videos of Hunter. He was so full of life this day. It was my birthday and he was just so tickled to help me blow out the candles. We did it over and over and over. I can't watch this video yet without getting extremely sad and angry for what we've lost. He's our sweet baby love and deserved a much better life than the one he was given.

More loving memories

Below are a couple of shots of Hunter's last amazing day. We were certain that he was healing because he was just so happy and active and enjoyed his day at the beach so very much. He struck a fever the day we got home and we were admitted into the hospital and 2 days later.......we were told that his cancer had returned for the fourth and final time. Complete shock and devastation. Just didn't seem possible.

I feel as if my whole being right now is made up of glass and at any moment, with the right dreadful combination of thoughts, I could shatter into a million pieces and I won’t have the strength or desire to put myself back together. I won’t even know where all the pieces go since my heart and mind are so tangled and torn up inside. I feel as if I am constantly running from the memories of Hunter’s last three days alive because they are so painful to remember as a mother and every time I think of them – a terrible, terrible heartache and sadness take over my whole body and I start to drown in my deepest, darkest fears. Fears that are now my reality. Because of this, I can’t be left alone too long with my own thoughts. They take me over and get a pretty powerful grasp on me………one that only Zen has been able to pull me out of.

I remember thinking and feeling and hoping that truly someday – everything was going to be alright. Now I know for sure that all of our days ahead will never truly be “alright”. We will never be “completely” happy knowing what was taken from us, knowing what we are missing out on……….knowing what Hunter went through just to be granted the chance to live. And then death comes along and just rips his life right out of our hands as if all of our efforts were for nothing.

I just can’t believe that this in now the life we’ve been left to live.

This video rips my heart out. It's Hunter's last video, Hunter's last words and Hunter's last wiggle. This is the day he died. When we woke that morning, he was basically suffocating and was unable to breath on his own. The leukemia had invaded his lungs and was taking over his entire body. We immediately hooked him up to his oxygen mask and pleaded for him to hang on. The doctors told us, based on his breathing pattern and the fact that he wasn't responding to anything, that his last breaths could possibly be sooner than later. We talked to him for hours as we held him close and tight in our arms, begging for him not to go, even though we knew it was clearly time. All of a sudden he woke and gave us his one last wiggle and one last smile. We got to hear his sweet voice say mom and dad one last time, he showed us his cars, asked for some juice and his cozy blanket.............and then he went to sleep.......and never woke up.

HUNTER'S LAST VIDEO

Hunter’s cancer actually showed it’s face in my dream the other night. It’s the first time it’s made an appearance and the first time I was actually able to recognize it. I’ve seen shadows of it before……but never it’s face. I was terrified. It was creeping around a crowded room……unexpected and uninvited. Possibly looking for me to wickedly laugh in my face, possibly looking for me to just let me know we’ve lost and to boast it’s victory. Possibly looking for me to let me know that once it gets it’s hands on something……….it’s not letting go until it gets it. My dreams are usually very vivid and real and I always wake up remembering them. I use to think that was a good thing when my dreams used to be joyful. However, I could have done without that one and the many others that now seem to haunt my nights. In my dreams now, Hunter is always dead or passing and I am unable do anything except sit there and hopelessly and helplessly watch it…………...not strong enough to kill what’s attacking him. Not powerful enough to take it down to it’s knees. Not ferocious enough to let it know that what’s mine is mine and I will guard it with my life. But unfortunately, in this terrible dream, my hands went numb, my legs went limp and I was unable to move……….paralyzed with fear, knowing it’s going to take and take and take from me what is not rightfully his.

I am looking forward to when dreams like this stop. It’s tough enough to deal with what I have to deal with when my eyes are open. Please let me get some sort of peaceful rest when my eyes are shut. I’m exhausted and feel as if I haven’t slept for the last 2 ½ years. I want the nightmares to go away. I want to see Hunter in my dreams alive and well………happy, smiling, giggling………enjoying the life he was supposed to live. That’s all I have left now……are my dreams.

The pendant I now wear every day I wake. It's got a little piece of Hunter's soul and an over abundance of love from the bond the 3 of us created. I wear it close to my heart

and will forever keep him with me.

Zen and I are in constant pain and some days just seem like a thick and murky fog. Even when the sun is shining……it feels like it’s raining. And on days when it seems like we are not crying on the outside……we are crying on the inside. It’s a mental battle like one we’ve never fought. Some days we feel like we are winning……..other days we are clearly losing.

So here we are again – having to rise above yet another challenge that’s basically been harshly thrown in our face…….unwanted, undeserving……and now having to combat it with one less warrior. It’s amazing how deep we have to continue to dig just to survive in this life. It looks as if our true colors are going to have to shine again, and Zen and I will, once again, see what we are made of.

I guess this is where Hunter will deliver us strength and courage and determination. I guess this is where we look adversity in the face with a smile and let it know we won’t go down easy, just as Hunter did. I guess this is where we do our best to survive……..the only way we know how. ….with love and compassion and an understanding that life has dealt us a blow beyond belief…….a brutal and horrific blow which will beat us down and last our entire life. We’ve now been burdened with the sadness of grief. We’ve now been burdened with the sadness of losing our only child. We’ve now been burdened with a lost love………that can never ever, ever be replaced or forgotten. And now we have to survive. We not only have to find a way to live without Hunter, but we have to find a way to live WITH Hunter. We have to find a way to live with his memories and his laughter and the joy he brought us. We have to find a way to cherish his being in a very positive and productive manner, even though what happened to him is so terribly tragic and will deliver a forever sadness that we’ll never be able to shake. We have to lock up those memories of his last 3 days and not ignore them, but only access them when we feel the strength and power to do so. We can’t allow those 3 days to consume all of our precious memories. Amazing memories that we'll hold close in our hearts and minds every waking moment.

A wonderful photo montage created by a dear friend.

Zen and I are closer now then we’ve ever been. He’s truly my best and most cherished friend. Our love has only gotten deeper and now exists on so many more levels. The intensity I feel when he embraces me is sometimes overpowering. I truly feel Hunter between us and it’s when I feel his presence the strongest. His brilliant smile and effervescent energy lit up our life and that’s what we are allowing to carry us through our darkest days. We created Hunter and we are now living this life walking the same path…..without him, with him, loving him, embracing him, cherishing him and remembering him for the wondrous soul he was.

We will continue to carry on Hunter’s legacy. We will continue to place his footprints on the hearts of all who hear about him. We will continue to change the lives of many more people walking this earth who weren’t quite sure what life and love are all about. He’s changed the lives of many. He’s made people better parents. He’s opened up the doors of love to so many children. He’s made people appreciate and embrace being alive.

We are now 5 months pregnant with our next son and are torn between anxiously awaiting his arrival and making sure enough time passes for us to truly have laid Hunter to rest. We’ll think of him every day for the rest of our existence. It would be impossible not to. He’s our inspiration, he’s our love, he’s our brightest star that is now shining on us every moment he’s in our thoughts. Our weakness and vulnerability will soon turn into strength. Our sadness and heartache will soon turn into courage and our pain and suffering will soon turn into the utmost determination to continue to live our life to the fullest, realizing how truly blessed we were to have Hunter in our life. He’s taught us and several others how to love stronger, love deeper and love with every ounce of your soul. It delivers an unimaginable beauty that will enhance us for the rest of our lives.

One of my favorite Dr. Seuss quotes that was posted recently,

”Don’t be sad it’s over, be happy that it happened”.

A beautiful video tribute created by another amazing friend

The Death of a Superhero

Our world as we know it has caved in..........caved in deep.......we are in a tunnel of darkness and it seems as if the healing white light is way out of our reach. In fact, it seems as if we'll never reach it.....it's going to be a slow motion chase that feels as if it will last forever. Our everlasting sorrow over these last few days has led us to believe that the days ahead of us look extremely painful, overwhelmingly fragile and completely unlivable.

It wasn't supposed to happen this fast. We've clearly been blind sided by an evil that wasn't supposed to return. His life wasn't supposed to be taken in such a short amount of time. We knew the end was near.........but we didn't think it was breathing down our necks. We thought we'd have 1 to 6 months...........we were only given 3 weeks.

I am not quite sure how or where to begin.........I don't know what is going to be too harsh to post. I don't how how much everyone can handle. It will truly damage your heart, it will definitely stick a dagger in your soul and it will forever change the way love and heartache rests in your minds.

We witnessed our child dying.

We saw and heard Hunter's last breaths.

He was in our arms when his body went limp and his life force was taken. We've lost our little love..........forever.

We begged and pleaded for him to hang on. I kept begging Zen to keep putting the oxygen mask back on his face. But he was already gone. I just kept thinking "c'mon baby, just breathe, c'mon love.........just a couple more breaths before you leave us........we just want one more smile, or one more giggle, just open your eyes......we just want to hear your voice.............one last time. Please don't go yet.......please don't go...".

And all of a sudden - our time was up.

Zen and I have seen things in the last 6 days that no parent should ever have to lay their eyes upon. Brutal images are burned into our heads and our wonderful memories with Hunter now seem to be sprinkled with the devils dust. What happened to Hunter was very cruel. It's twisted, it's gut wrenching and it's truly just to unbearable to face.

Hunter was taken by the angels at 11:25 pm on Monday, March 8th. They spread their wings, swooped down, lifted him up and carried him off. His beautiful soul was gone, his amazing and contagious giggle was no longer heard, his sweet and innocent being was no longer present and his heart that was so full of love and graciousness..........was no longer beating.

The coroner was ready to take him as soon as he passed - but we weren't quite ready to let him go just yet. We had a few more things to say to him, we had a few more snuggles to get in and we had lots more smooches to lay upon his precious little body.

We laid with him, we whispered wonderful and encouraging and extremely thankful blessings into his ear. We let him know what an amazing child he was and that mom and dad are standing proudly by his side, cheering him on, wishing him the best and most deserved journey that he was so unfairly cheated out of here on this earth.

We bathed his lifeless body and dressed him in his Iron Hunter Tee. We rocked him and comforted him and let him know that he will do nothing but rise above and put on stellar performances in his next life...........where his body will be healthy, vibrant and free and clear of all horrid diseases.

The coroner arrived at 5:30am to take him away. The moment we had feared so intensely the last two 1/2 years of our life had finally arrived. We still weren't ready to have him depart from our life. It was amazing how I still wanted to fight for the right to keep him with us.......I didn't want to accept that the fight was over. We lost. And we are now another set of parents that are leaving the children's hospital, after a battle that lasted years.............without their child.

We were slowly escorted out, along with security, as we carried his body outside to be laid on the stretcher. Our hearts and minds couldn't really take in the reality that was playing out right before our eyes. We were about to lay our precious love into a body bag.

It's an image that we will never forget.

It's an image that I can't shake and it's a memory I didn't ever want. To carry the weight of that visual seems to bury me in a mound of sand until I am paralyzed and then it suffocates me to where I am constantly trying to catch my breath...........wanting so desperately to forget it. Our reality right now is truly devastating and it hurts so bad.........so bad.

On the walk back to the empty hospital room - my legs wouldn't take any more steps and my body just gave in...........Zen caught me on my way down and we sobbed our most painful and hurtful tears and then he held me tight all the way back to the room. I vomited, we sobbed some more, we packed up our things and we left the room where our little love died.

We laid Hunter to rest on Thursday, March 11th. Once again, we felt the need to see him one more time and let him know how much he was loved. Zen and I have never felt a love so fierce and so amazingly rewarding in our entire lives. We've never fought so hard for a love that should have survived.

Hunter was a true fighter. He embraced life every day as if there was nothing to lose and nothing to fear. He had no idea what was coming. He had no idea that death was waiting at the doorstep. We are forever grateful for that. He was such a sweet soul. He was so kind and so funny and so loving. He didn't deserve to live his last days afraid. And we feel extremely fortunate that he didn't. Such a brave and courageous little soul.

Zen and I never knew how amazing love could be until we experienced the love of our child. Our hearts were consumed and full to the rim with love for Hunter. And now it's as if our hearts have died. We are standing here left by ourselves to scrape these badly beaten hearts off the ground and give them new life. And it seems impossible since our strongest life force is no longer with us.

Hunter was the single greatest experience of our lives. We have no regrets. Not one. And despite the brutal challenges and despite the overwhelming amounts of pain and suffering........we graciously and gratefully lived our life for him........and we couldn't have asked for a better king.

Hunter.......our dear, sweet, precious love.......may you rest in peace with an over abundance of love, light and smiles. Know that you've changed the lives of many and have left the most wonderful and inspiring footprint that could have ever been imagined. Mom and dad will never do anything except embrace your wonderful being and carry you with us for all of eternity. You've enhanced our life, you've enhanced our love, you've enhanced our spirits. You've made us whole and you will live on in us forever. With so much love and tenderness, mom and dad.