and it's happening right before our very eyes.
It's the most horrific torture we've ever had to face and we feel as if we are in a very, very sad hell right now. I, personally, can't seem to get a grasp on the pain. It's so completely unbearable and it's cutting so deep right now........every waking moment I am hurting and aching and in just plain agony. It's like constantly being punched in the stomach with steel fists. Our heads feel as if they've been slammed with a wrecking ball for the last 21 days. And our hearts are being stomped on with absolutely no mercy. I am so, so sad for Hunter. I am devastated and crushed that his beautiful life is brutally ending like this...........I honestly believed he was going to make it. I truly, truly did. I didn't think for a second that he wasn't going to champion his way through this and come out on top with an amazing victory. I am in shock. I am stunned. I am completely numb and I can't seem to think straight on most days. I sit on the floor in the shower and sob and just let the water wash away all my tears. I cry when I am pouring coffee, I cry when I look at his beautiful face, I cry before we go to sleep, and I cry when we wake up. Our life is so sad right now and I don't see how we are expected to recover from this. I feel as if we will be spiritually and emotionally wrecked for years to come, if not for the rest of our life.
We are not sleeping too well. Between handling Hunter's needs, battling our daily sadness and continuing to try to enjoy every moment that he is awake.........sleep doesn't seem to come into play. Whenever we do fall asleep.........Hunter enters all of our dreams. Sometimes he's healthy, most times he's sick. The other night in my sleep, we somehow had his precious little body and soul tucked away tight in one of his Lightning Mcqueen suitcases that he always carries around. We dropped it off a bridge into a beautiful waterfall and the immediate silence was deafening. I screamed and cried and fell to my knees and wanted him back so desperately. It was so completely horrifying and final..........amazingly unbearable and so terribly, terribly tragic.
Hunter, due to round the clock pain meds and just plain being exhausted, seems to sleep a good bit these days, which is what leaves us plenty of time for crying. This last week, he seemed to take a turn for the worse and we've just found out today that he has a pretty severe pneumonia . We've been pumping his body up with herbs and fresh vegetable juices in addition to all his other meds trying desperately to keep his cancer at bay. But it's just too strong. We've managed to get the cancerous cells that have invaded his blood stream down a little - but his body is clearly under attack. He feels his body deteriorating and gets extremely upset when he tries to get up or walk or play. The cancer has taken so much from him...........it's taken so much from US.
Many people who have been through losing a child with cancer have told us to brace ourselves. It's an unbelievable journey and something that we'll carry with us for all of our days to come. The suffering will never be forgotten and the pain will never subside. Zen and I are holding on to each other with everything we've got and are too afraid to let one another go........fearing one of us will fall.........and never get back up.
Many other amazing people have offered to take some of our pain away - if it was at all possible........and I swear to god....I wish they could. Some days the pain and heartache are so incredibly heavy.....I feel as if I can't breathe, let alone get up and try to put one foot in front of the other. My feet feel like bricks.
Hunter is our sunshine. He is our beautiful shining star that beams and brightens every single one of our days. He's our little love that we have held on a pedestal now for 3 years and we are so proud of him and how he's handled what he's had to endure. We're not ready to let go...........we won't ever be.........we don't want to and we are holding on to him right now with all of our might. Sadly enough, whoever it is - is going to have to forcefully, yet gracefully, pry him out of our arms when that dreadful moment comes.
We love you baby.