and it's happening right before our very eyes.
It's the most horrific torture we've ever had to face and we feel as if we are in a very, very sad hell right now. I, personally, can't seem to get a grasp on the pain. It's so completely unbearable and it's cutting so deep right now........every waking moment I am hurting and aching and in just plain agony. It's like constantly being punched in the stomach with steel fists. Our heads feel as if they've been slammed with a wrecking ball for the last 21 days. And our hearts are being stomped on with absolutely no mercy. I am so, so sad for Hunter. I am devastated and crushed that his beautiful life is brutally ending like this...........I honestly believed he was going to make it. I truly, truly did. I didn't think for a second that he wasn't going to champion his way through this and come out on top with an amazing victory. I am in shock. I am stunned. I am completely numb and I can't seem to think straight on most days. I sit on the floor in the shower and sob and just let the water wash away all my tears. I cry when I am pouring coffee, I cry when I look at his beautiful face, I cry before we go to sleep, and I cry when we wake up. Our life is so sad right now and I don't see how we are expected to recover from this. I feel as if we will be spiritually and emotionally wrecked for years to come, if not for the rest of our life.
We are not sleeping too well. Between handling Hunter's needs, battling our daily sadness and continuing to try to enjoy every moment that he is awake.........sleep doesn't seem to come into play. Whenever we do fall asleep.........Hunter enters all of our dreams. Sometimes he's healthy, most times he's sick. The other night in my sleep, we somehow had his precious little body and soul tucked away tight in one of his Lightning Mcqueen suitcases that he always carries around. We dropped it off a bridge into a beautiful waterfall and the immediate silence was deafening. I screamed and cried and fell to my knees and wanted him back so desperately. It was so completely horrifying and final..........amazingly unbearable and so terribly, terribly tragic.
Hunter, due to round the clock pain meds and just plain being exhausted, seems to sleep a good bit these days, which is what leaves us plenty of time for crying. This last week, he seemed to take a turn for the worse and we've just found out today that he has a pretty severe pneumonia . We've been pumping his body up with herbs and fresh vegetable juices in addition to all his other meds trying desperately to keep his cancer at bay. But it's just too strong. We've managed to get the cancerous cells that have invaded his blood stream down a little - but his body is clearly under attack. He feels his body deteriorating and gets extremely upset when he tries to get up or walk or play. The cancer has taken so much from him...........it's taken so much from US.
Many people who have been through losing a child with cancer have told us to brace ourselves. It's an unbelievable journey and something that we'll carry with us for all of our days to come. The suffering will never be forgotten and the pain will never subside. Zen and I are holding on to each other with everything we've got and are too afraid to let one another go........fearing one of us will fall.........and never get back up.
Many other amazing people have offered to take some of our pain away - if it was at all possible........and I swear to god....I wish they could. Some days the pain and heartache are so incredibly heavy.....I feel as if I can't breathe, let alone get up and try to put one foot in front of the other. My feet feel like bricks.
Hunter is our sunshine. He is our beautiful shining star that beams and brightens every single one of our days. He's our little love that we have held on a pedestal now for 3 years and we are so proud of him and how he's handled what he's had to endure. We're not ready to let go...........we won't ever be.........we don't want to and we are holding on to him right now with all of our might. Sadly enough, whoever it is - is going to have to forcefully, yet gracefully, pry him out of our arms when that dreadful moment comes.
We love you baby.
I keep reading this.. I don't know what to do. I'm heart broken. And you write so beautifully while going through utter hell. You all amaze me. You have through your whole struggle.
There is nothing comforting to say. This is a nightmare. You are wonderful parents. Hunter is an exceptional boy. He has been such a trouper through this awful disease.
I'm so sorry. I too thought he would beat this. I really did.
I am so very sorry for all that you are going through. All I can tell you is that you can survive this, and you must, because that is what Hunter would want. You will never get past this enormous loss, but you will go on, and you will experience joy again, although I know that seems unfathomable right now. Continue to trust in God and to know that He is holding you in the palm of his hand.
Monica Miyashita, Mama to ^^Liddy^^
I am reading Hunter's story only because I was witness to the life of an amazing little boy named Kyle Stewart. Sweet Kyle was diagnosed with AML Leukemia and earned his angel wings this past November. I have come to "know" some amazing families and children suffering through a journey too similiar to yours. They have shared your story with others and asked us to lift you up in prayer time and time again...If there is one thing I want you to know, it's that Hunter, Hannah,^^Kyle^^, ^^Liddy^^ and the millions of angels like them, did not suffer in vain. Even as a complete stranger I have followed Hunter's story and draw inspiration from him (and my other sweet heroes) quite often. I pray for peace to find it's way to all of you right now and am calling on some special angels to hold Hunter close in the hours and days ahead. Fight, Pray, Hope, Believe...Proud soldier in Kyle's Army...T. Pryear
Please hold on to the love for your son Hunter, it will be what will get you through. Love is all there is. Live for today, enjoy every moment no matter how hard it is to hold on to your son. Do it, for him. Don't spend your precious time grieving, when your child is still on this earth. Find that strength, I know you have it. You will always be his parents. I know how horrible this is and if you need someone who has been there, to talk to, or even some other resources, please email me at email@example.com
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm a member of Team In Training and just heard from them about Hunter's passing. You two sound like amazing parents and Hunter was lucky to have you in his life. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I just found out through a mutual facebook friend that Hunter is no longer with us. My heart feels so broken for the both of you as I felt you were a part of me, my family. You are in my thoughts, my prayers and I know Hunter is in a much better place, waiting patiently and peacefully for the day he will be reunited by his greatest loves...(mommy and daddy). I will never forget him and I thank you for allowing me to be a part of his journey here, in this lifetime. He served a big purpose in this life and that was to touch the lives of many people. He accomplished that with loving parents always by his side.
May Heavenly Father send you the courage to heal your hearts from the pain of your loss but may He also send you eternal peace knowing your little angel is by his side forever and always.
All my love,
Maria (Ria) Duran
Palm Springs, Ca.
I am a complete stranger to you, but I just want to say that my heart goes out to you and your family. I can't imagine the pain. I am so, so sorry you have to feel it. Hunter is beautiful.xo
I am so sorry that your precious Hunter died. It is a tragedy.
I am so sorry for your loss. I couldn't ever imagine. I wish the that your family gains incredible strength to deal with this. This story touches my heart, so close to home, since my oldest son is also a Hunter.
May one day your souls find peace.
I found you through Heather Spohr over at www.thespohrsaremultiplying.com I am so very, very sorry for your loss... Your son was the most beautiful little boy... My heart aches for you...
Though I am a total stranger to you, I have been following you and your son's incredible strength from just about the beginning of this horrible journey you are on. I am so very sorry for your loss. There are no words I could possibly say to convey how sad I was to hear the news of little Hunter's passing. I will be holding you in my heart and thinking of you everyday during this terrible time.
There just aren't words to convey how sorry I am. No parent should have to watch their child suffer. No parent should have to watch their child die.
I really wish I could think of something to say, other than that I am so sorry. I know it's not enough.
I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are going out to your family tonight.
I just wanted to say that Hunter is absolutely beautiful. What an amazing little boy. I am so utterly saddened by your pain and have very little to offer, but just know that this complete stranger will never forget the love that you've shown on this blog. I am so incredibly sorry for your tremendous loss.
I too, found your Hunter through Heather Spohr's blog. I am so very sorry, your pain must be immeasurable. No parent should ever watch their child suffer. I wish I could say more, but I'm at a loss for words. Hunter, you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers forever.
You don't know me but I just recently learned of your little boy Hunter and his fight. I am so sorry about your loss - no parent should have to bury their child.
My heart aches for you - you are in my thoughts.
I found your story through the Spohrs are multiplying. I am so utterly sorry for this journey you have had to go through. I am a childhood Leukemia survivor and can only imagine what my parents had to go through during my battle.
I hope you find peace in whatever way you can.
I am no one you know but I wanted to let your family know how so very sorry I am for the hell you are going through. It is against the natural order of things! I read about your story yesterday via momversation. Last night in the shower I shed many tears for Hunter, for his short life and his long battle. There are NO words to make you feel any better BUT know that your little heros fight has moved me so very much.
All of my life to you!
Tears and more tears. I am so sorry. Hunter truly earned his angel wings, what a fighter and you two are amazing parents, amazing. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through no one should have to go through the loss of their child. Please know i am thinking about you all of the time and praying for you. Much love and huge hugs, Tara
As most of the commentators here, I'm also a stranger...
I found you through Heather Spohr's blog. The picture & title of your top post immediately broke my heart; then I scrolled down and read more about you and your hard last years. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling right now... I'm not even a mother yet. But by reading your blog, I realized how much love you and your husband had for Hunter. It really astonished me to see the strength you and your husband showed to your son (it's noticeable in the pictures, which by the way are very very beautiful). You really did your best to brighten up his last days... you did it the best way a mother could. Please know this and know that he is now watching over you and telling everyone in heaven what wonderful parents he had. I'm so sorry you had to go through this :'( I cannot understand it. But do know that many people are praying for you right now. I send you a very sincere hug and all my prayers. God bless you <3
I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for your family.
I am a friend of the Jensen family and came to your blog via them. I'm so sorry for the pain and heartache that you are experiencing. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I will be praying for your family.
I am so so sorry for your loss. It sucks and it's unfair. In time I hope you are able to look back on the time you had with Hunter and smile. Until then, hold onto each other. We are all thinking of you.
Christine from Texas
Dearest Todd and Lenore- I'm not sure whether you remember us, but my son Liam, and I were on 10south with you during treatment. :) Liam passed away here at home in June, and I know that pain that is currently in your hearts. Though difficult, I find it comforting to know that Liam and Hunter are not alone. They are all keeping each other a great company, playing, and laughing, and be rest assured that Hunter received the greatest of welcomes the day he received those little angel wings of his. :) I pray for you two now, knowing that your love and your longing for him will only grow each day that he is gone. Be patient with yourselves and your grief, cling to the many happy memories you have of Hunter as they will help get you through, and know that happiness WILL find you again. Love and peace to you always.....Lisette :) (Liam's mom)
I'm so sorry for your loss. Hunter was such a brave and sweet boy. I appreciate you sharing your stories. They have made me a better person. You are wonderful parents, and may god bless you. My prayers will always be with you. Thank you again.
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