One Year...and still stumbling....

Wow baby love. I can't believe it's been a year. I can't believe I have been without my sweet baby love for a whole year...........365 days. Three Hundred and sixty-five days too long. To think that I have the rest of my life to go, frightens me. I truly and honestly don't know how I am going to do it. Missing your love and your smiles makes me feel so incomplete. So incredibly "out of sorts". There is such a huge part of my being that has just transformed into something unrecognizable. I'm still so sad.....still so heartbroken......still so absolutely crushed that are you not here with us.

Your dad and I have been thinking about you like crazy. We watched video after video after video of you last night, and you continued to put on one stellar performance after another. You are SUCH an amazing lil' boy. I feel like I say it in every post, but I just can't say enough how very proud of you we are......your kindness, your laughter, your gregarious lil' personality - oh my......just so wonderful to watch. Such a sweetie.......really.

I just popped in a disc that was labeled "Hunter"......within seconds, images of you started loading up one by one. I'm bombarded with so many thoughts and feelings and emotions all at once.....everything just seems so unbelievable.

My first thought was "my goodness...you were just a baby". Just a baby when all this started. So tiny and so cool. Handling everything with such calmness. Took the punches as they came with such ease, while your dad and I felt each blow with an intensity that would leave us breathless for days.

Here you are waving about to go in for your very first Cat Scan.

This was after your knee biopsy. You handled that like a champ. However, you weren't so fond of the cast after awhile. Dad finally cut it off when no one was looking and you were sure happy about that!

Seeing these photos and looking back at our journey, having you in our life was so incredibly joyful. What you brought to our family was an energy that was so powerful. So pure and so full of courage.....so full of confidence.

This picture below made me smile....you are only about 15 months here........so serious. tee hee. Man did you ever love your DVD player. I think we ended up going through about 10 of those over 2 years. A few went overboard off the hospital bed, a few malfunctioned and a few just plain got burnt out. We must have watched "Cars" a million times......seriously. Lightning McQueen rules.

I am thinking about now how very grateful I am that we got to hang out every single day. We spent so much time together and it was always such a treat - good times and bad. You were such a magnificent play partner. I could always tell when you were starting to feel better and were ready to start having a good time.......you were pretty easy to read at that point and ALWAYS came up with creative outlets.

And always such a good snuggler.

I'm also coming across pics of your first mohawk. What a cutie. You sure knew how to rock that hairstyle. You were the cutest kid on the floor.

And loved when pics of you on the slides came up. Those were your favorite. Hated swings.....loooooooooved slides!

This was you in Australia. You played for hours. Such a beautiful sight.

Then I came across this pic. Made me chuckle. We always took advantage of laughter. You were always such a willing participant. Love you so much for that. Joy was brought to every occasion possible.

You just thought you were so funny calling the nurse here.......

And of course a great giggle video. Here you are cracking up about to get a Spinal Tap........just so FULL of giggles.....non-stop.

This video just makes me smile and smile and smile. You can see so much of your personality here.....

Also found this video.......swept your dad and I away with laughter and tears. Wow did you know how to grove. Soooooo much fun to watch! Any kind of beat just took you away to another place. You felt music down to your wee lil'l bones. So soulful.

Hunter Zen....unlike any other.

Life is cruel,
life is kind,
It's stolen my happiness,
and left me behind.

Constant effort to look up,
away from the floor,
in search of my smile,
to find it once more.

It's buried within,
amongst wreckage and tears,
Not knowing if it will come out,
after facing my fears.

It's definitely not the same,
nor will it ever be,
for he's left a tremendous footprint,
on my soul, that remains in me.

Eventually.......he'll ignite a flame,
that will shine oh so bright,
and I'll treasure his life and love,
through me, I will shine his light.
(Hunter's Mom)

Your are brighter than ever baby love. Thank you for being the phenomenal child that you are. Love you so much.......
XoXo Mom and Dad